Life is full of shoulds. Its always, I should do this and I should do that.
Sitting in the back yard on a cool but sunny day, I know I should be whacking the dandelions or planting some tomato plants. Or instead of dozing off as I sit in the warm sun, I should respond to the email I just received, or call my sibling. Then theres the card to get for Mothers Day and the flowers to order. And the bird feeder needs filling again? Good grief; I just filled it yesterday.
As someone essentially retired, my shoulds are not as significant or critical as they are for most others, who are still functioning in the work world or raising a family. Nevertheless, Ive been thinking about the difference between should and could and what it is that motivates us. How much and how often are we responding to should, rather than could, or even would? And what is it that makes the difference?
Perhaps the most significant difference between should and could, is that should comes with an authority figure. Maybe its an employer or a parent. Maybe when we were younger, it was a coach or a teacher. Maybe its something we internalized, unknowingly, no longer attributable to any one source. Maybe it comes from our religious understandings, and we fear that the internalized and authoritative voice we hear is the voice of God. Maybe a person receives a should direction in prayer or from the Bible.
Instead of should, Im thinking there are some aids we might use for choosing could.
The first aid is solitude. I was listening to a friend the other day talking about how he often takes a drive in the country, then gets out and walks a bit. Its good and helpful to be alone sometimes with our memories, our thoughts and emotions, with only the breezes and the fields for company. In this environment we can become more open to what we might do, what we could do, instead of the same old tired must do! Busyness in life comes with shoulds. Quiet country roads offer coulds.
I believe a second requirement for choosing could is intention. I should lose 20 pounds. It would mean fewer lower back aches and pains, and those shorts I like to wear in the summer wouldnt be so tight. But if you put the Long John with the creamy filling inside, in front of me with my morning coffee break, my intention slowly fades; or it gets assigned to a future date. Meaningful intention starts now, in the moment.
Sometimes it helps if we decide to trade an old should, for a new could. Im thinking of groups like AA, or drug therapy groups, or grief groups. We could join them. If we are really looking to turn over that new leaf, to trade the old road to destruction for a new path to healing, the opportunities are available. We trade the bar crowd for the therapy crowd.
We inform our bodies that we can find pain killers elsewhere, in the presence of others, believing we can break our bad habits together.
And thats another key. Support. Even one other who is close enough to share the personal shoulds and coulds can make all the difference. We all remember that friend who heard us accidentally blurt out one of our long held dreams, and then they affirmed us, and encouraged us to go for it! We realized in that moment we could do it! At least we could try.
Most changes in life come one step at a time. It might be two steps forward and three steps backward. More often, with intention and support, it will be three steps forward and one step backward.
Coulds are not always easy. They are likely to take patience, and time, and dedication. A fortunate few coulds may arrive as a miracle!
We can always surprise ourselves. Perhaps theres an inner urge or outrage that shoulds can no longer quiet. All our life weve been told to keep your mouth shut. Keep your opinions to yourself. Dont say anything or you are likely to get into trouble! Its important to keep quiet! You should leave the politics to the politicians! You should mind your own business!
But when they take lunch support in the SNAP program from your childs school; when they take Medicaid from your ailing mother; when they take away your job working for the U.S. Post Office; when they deport your college roommate from India; could you speak up then? Should you? Would you?
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